Service Dog?

The other day I was at lunch with my mom and we were talking about this vlogger that I follow. She has POTS as well, and she has a service dog to help her with her disabilities. My mom asked me if I would ever get a service dog. I would be lying if I said I had never thought about getting one. In a way it validates my disability, because it is something that people can see that will tell them that I have a disability. I don’t want people to pity me, just to understand without me having to explain.

I told her that I would be open to the idea and if I felt my disability got to the point where I could no longer function around the house then I would probably look into getting one. I also mentioned that I would be more likely to get a service dog before I got a wheelchair. For me, I could not handle the blow to my self esteem that a wheelchair would bring.

I went from being a very active person, to not being able to run up a flight of stairs. For me, personally, I will do anything to keep out of a wheelchair. To me, that is giving up.

I know that they help a lot of people and I am glad that they are an option for some people, but for me they aren’t.

I believe that everyone is entitled to the tools that they choose to help them cope with their disability. Could a service dog help me now? Probably, but I don’t think I am at the point where I need that much help. Maybe I am in denial with how badly I am restricted, but that is my own perception. Hoping for the day I grow out of this, but I am willing to assess my situation and use to tools I think will better my life.




Starting Classes…Again 8/24/2016

School started last Monday, scary. It has been good to get back to doing productive things. It feels good to be productive. And I only have to go up two flights of stairs for all of my classes! That is awesome!

Haven’t had any trouble getting to my classes, though today I was sitting in my social psychology class and it was like someone put their hands around my throat. It was hard to breath and I had about twenty minutes of shallow breathing, and trying not to puke. Managed to take notes though! The skills that POTS gives you.

Our house got a big TV for free and two of my friends brought down their game stations and we put them together so that we can play more multi-player games. So far every night we have all sat in the living room watching and playing video games. I have never been obsessed with them, but it has been a fun pastime!

Lately I have been struggling with having people understand that I really am sick, or they don’t think I am as sick as I really am. When I say something about being sick or a consequence that it causes most people assume that I am exaggerating, or if I worked hard enough I could overcome it. I just have to get to the point where I don’t care about what other people think. I’ll get there eventually.

For the people that do get it it is nice for them to be like “How do you even function?” I ask myself that a lot. I guess I just know what I have to get done and will do whatever it takes to get it done. I may do it a little differently, but it will get done!

Surround yourself with people who get it, but will push you.



Changing Majors

At the end of last semester I made the decision to change my major from ceramic engineering to psychological science. This was a tough decision, because I have always seen myself as an engineer, and being anything else struck me as a failure. It has taken me a while to see that change can be good, and that I am not failing just because I need the change. I did not chose this major because I thought it was easy, I chose it because I wasn’t interested in ceramics anymore, and I wanted to do something that I could excel at.

I go to a school where the majority of students are engineering majors, so, I went from being in the majority, to being in the minority. The two major things that helped me through this where that a lot of my friends where changing majors as well, along with my boyfriend who is going to the same school for computer science. He has been very supportive throughout the whole decision making process, and has always made me feel that whatever decision I make I am making the right one.

Change can be hard.

Another thing that was hard about this change was the reactions I got from people. Telling people that I am in school for ceramic engineering is met with a sense of aw and misunderstanding. I enjoyed explaining to people what my degree meant and what I was going to do with it. I am scared for the reactions that I will get when I tell others what my major is now, not because the responses will be negative, but because I don’t think I will be able to handle them just yet. One day I will get there.

This is what is best for me.

And that’s all that matters.



The New Year

A lot has happened in the past year. New beginnings and ends.

But, mostly, around this time of year I dwell on my failures. The things I did wrong, the things I didn’t get quite right. I need to learn to focus on the things that went right. The things that I am proud of. So, here goes:

I kept in touch with my best friend who lives across the country.

I broke off an unhealthy relationship.

I tried in school.

My dad is healthy and sober.

My mother is getting treatment.

I have been clean from cutting for the longest sense I started.

I am in a healthy relationship with an amazing guy who I love.

I have maintained great relationships with my college friends.

I feel as though I can be stable with both my mental and physical health.

I got a job.

I have a support system, both in CT and MO.

This year has been tough, and I would not want to relive it, but I have to remember all the good things that have happened and not dwell on the past. I can only go up from where I am, and I am willing to work hard to get there. This year I am not setting any goals, I will be happy is I make any progress, learn something new, or even just keep a steady outlook on life.

Don’t dwell on the negative, I know it’s hard, but you can do it!!!!