I have postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (POTS). A part of that for me is that I have trouble gaining weight and maintaining a healthy weight.
I have never hated my body for how it looks, even before I got sick. I grew up playing sports, and to me my body was just something that I used. It was a tool that I could use to accomplish a goal. Through being sick, my view on my body has changed. Now I see it as something that I have to put work into to see a reward.
I take my medication so that I can get out of bed and become a functional human. Without that added step, I would not be able to get out of bed.
I drink a lot of water to keep my blood pressure from dropping, and causing me to pass out.
I wear compression socks so that I can stand for longer than twenty minutes.
These are only some of the things that I do every day to take my body from what it is, to functional. The rough days are when I do everything that I am supposed to do, and I still can’t function. But that is a topic for another day.
When I look in the mirror now, I see someone who has fought through so much to be standing today. I see someone who is still fighting and trying to make the most out of every day. I see a body that is failing me, but is trying. I see a body that needs help, that needs work, that is unpredictable. But, no matter how I am feeling, I got up, I stood up and am able to stand in front of that mirror. For me, that is a big deal, and I thank my body for the good days. The days when I don’t have to think about my blood pressure, or heart rate. When I don’t have to focus on how much water I drank, or the last time I took my medication. The days when I feel normal.
I have always grown up with doctors telling me that I am too skinny. That I need to gain weight. Looking back on it, this could have been really destructive to a young girl, bring told by a professional that you are not right. I give credit to my parents, for always telling me that I am beautiful and backing me up when I say that I eat a lot, which I do.
Now, however, my weight is a larger concern, because if I get sick (on-top of the normal sick) my body needs the extra weight to be able to fight as best it can. So, not I do everything I can to gain weight. I do my best to give my body the resources it needs, knowing full well that the next time I am weighed by the doctors they are going to tell me that I am still too skinny.
Looking in the mirror I know that I am skinny. I can clearly see it, but that’s not what I focus on. I focus on the fact that I ate all I could today, that I didn’t pass out, that I took the nap I needed.
When I look in the mirror I see everything that I have gone through in order to be standing today. This is the body that I was given, and I am determined to make the most of it.